Monday, January 31, 2011

Montgomery Gentry - Something To Be Proud Of

You know how there are just some songs that can fit your mood during the day? Well I had one of those moments today driving home from school while listening to this on the Radio. Good Song... :)

Monday mornings are usually the worst day of the week..

Well I've made it to school and worked out all before eight o'clock this morning. I'd have to say that i'm a little but tired but I can only blame myself for that being I didn't go to bed until almost twelve.

I wanted to kind of recap on what happened yesterday. I was pretty down on myself yesterday and my self esteem hit an all time low. I've had those days before and yesterday I wanted to kind of get it off my chest and write it all down. I've been thinking alot about yesterday and have realized that I don't every want to do that again. I don't like feeling this way.

For awhile now, i've been feeling...I guess you could say empty. Ok, again I don't want to come off as some wierd chick who's just looking for attention, being dramatic, whatever you want to think of it because that's just not it. For the most part, I am a content individual who has great freinds, great family, what more could I ever ask for.

But I feel like there is something missing.??

I always think about when i'm out running is what my purpose in this life is? I mean I feel like I wake up everymorning going through the motions. My life had become a routine that starts from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed and then it starts all over again. I feel like I am searching for something. Something life changing maybe? that will get me out of this rutt i'm in. I feel like I need some change in my life, some excitement, I don't exactly know what. But I don't know how to make that change.

I feel Like I should be doing more with my life. I go to school, workout, do my homework and occasionally if I have time read a book because any more that's the only thing I enjoy doing. I'm not like most kids who hang out with their friends on the weekends, go to parties, the movies of whatever it is they do. When I do something I always do it alone.

Geezzz... Honestly I'm rambling now writing whatever it is that comes to my mind so I don't even know if any of this makes sense and I really don't have the time or the energy to go back through it and edit it so this is what you get. Raw! lol

My point is, I'm tired beating myself down all the time and feeling like crap. I need to make some changes and I need to start doing more things i enjoy. I need to focus on myself and making me happy. Which is why I wanted to tell whoever is reading this that I'm going continue with writing my book. After watching my mom for six months write every night, creating something I hope some day millions of people will enjoy, I want to do the same. I already had a couple of long chapters typed out already and pulled those out last night and started to rewrite Chapter one.

I think it's pretty good and I hope I can stick with it. Along with keeping up with my school work lol

Anyways, this morning I'm doing better, not great, but better and i'm going to fight harder to get out of this funk that i've been stuck in for way too long.

No worries
=)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Can we learn from our mistakes?

It's amazing how a day can go so good and then to crap the next.

I feel awful

I don't like to admit this but I have an addiction. I'm not gonna say what it is but I also know that nobody knows about it until now. I feel like I need to get this out of me. I'm tired of keeping this secret to myself. It's been building bigger and bigger inside me and today I think I hit my breaking point.

I know what your probably thinking. Well haven't you mentioned this to your parents? Why don't you get some help? and the thing is I have told my mom and dad and I don't think they really know that i'm serious in the fact that I have this problem. I'm even having a hard time admitting this to myself.

I feel like I'm drowning and I can't catch my breath.

The thing is that I know what I've been doing isn't right and it isn't healthy. It's like I start doing it and then I can't stop no matter how much I know this is wrong and I need to stop. It's like I'm not in control of my actions.

I always tell myself after I've done this thing that i'm not going to do it anymore but then a couple days later i'm at it again, torturing myself. I hope that the more I write this down the more it will come into reality.

I need to stop what i've been doing and I need to stop now! because If i continue to do this I will continue to feel this way, awful, disgusted with myself and that's not how I want to feel.

I'm tired of this...


Running is My Church

Morning!

I just got back from a run and as always I feel great! tired... but pretty darn good.

I was getting tired of always running on upriver either to the foot bridge or to the dam so I decided to head towards Millwood and do either the "Airport Run" or "Boat House" run today. I made it all the to the gate where boat house starts but I was still a little sore from yesterday that I decided I'd had enough and turned around, heading back home.

I didn't realize until after I was done running, when I was walking up Lehman that I had forgotten to wear my knee sleeve. Woops! However I think that it was a good thing because I had completely forgotten about my knee. Not once did I feel have any pain in my left knee. I mean my knee was sore but I didn't have any sharp pains like I usually do on runs.

Let me also note that it is a beautiful, no, gorgeous day outside. I love the mornings the most when the sun it coming out over Arbor Crest lighting up the Valley. It was cold this morning, almost everything had frozen over night before but the warmth of the morning sun was just right. That's why I titled this post the way I did because Running for me is like going to Church on Sunday. Even though Physically running takes endurance and is hard on the body, I feel absolutely at peace. I don't have a care or stress in the world. It's just me and the road stretched out in front of me.

I've had my breakfast and now I need a shower. I have some Chemistry Homework that I've been procrastinating on that I need to do today and do some studying. Maybe I'll go chill out at Starbucks.




Saturday, January 29, 2011

Kite Runner

Ok....

So I just got done watching the movie Kite Runner and I am blown away....

I mean that was something...

A story about a remarkable friendship, an act that tears them worlds apart, and in the end coming back to where it all started. It shows us that we cannot hide from what we fear most and the only way we can face our fears is by courage.

You may ask what we fear and it's the Truth....

The Truth can be the most terrifying thing in this world. We cannot run when things get bad, for if we do Guilt is what builds inside us until it's so overwhelming that it is like a volcano on the verge of explosion, hot lava masked as guild and shame pouring out of its tip burning and destroying everything in it's path.

I guess my point is in all of this is stand of for what's right. Stand up to what you believe in, Stand up for your friends, don't sit on the sidelines with your head bowed and walk away...

Wow.


Chinese is hard, Double run made my Day, Dumplings for Dinner

Today went by way to fast and I don't like it one bit because I rather like my weekends. So now tomorrow will be Sunday which means the next day will be Monday and I will have to get up early and go to school.

Let's just say i'm not schools biggest fan...

But If I want to be a doctor i'm gonna have to put up with it for a while.

I went on two run's today. My first run was in the morning. My goal was to make it to East Valley high school from my house but half way there my calfs and quads were killing me and I just said "Screw it" and headed back home on trent, up empire to hole in the wall and then home on Upriver. I'd say maybe it was four close to five miles maybe?? I don't know. I really want to try and get up to Ten miles....I have alot of work to do though!

I think alot when I run, along with blaring country music on my phone. I think alot about school, life, the past and the future. This last week has been rough. I had a chemistry test on Monday and I completely panicked, blanking on practically every question. I got a 67% which i am just crushed about. =( I really hope that when the next test comes up that i will to better so that at the end of the quarter I will be able to drop it since my teacher drops the lowest test score.

So lets just say thats been eating at me almost all week and today, I can't seem to get over it and move on. I guess when I run I try to run away from all the bad things in my life. that's why I run so much. I have alot of stress in my life that I need to learn how to manage.

After running today, I took the extremely long way to get to Barnes and Noble to study for a little bit and work on some homework. That wasn't the greatest idea because in a book store i get easily distracted and then i want to go and browse through the books. I love books, i have so many in my room that you could almost say I have my own library, I've got every book. lol

Met mom at Costco, browsed through the samples, picked up some grocery's and enjoyed a Mocha freeze. I haven't had one of those in a while so it was especially delicious..Yum!

By the time I got home it was almost dark and i all of a sudden wanted to go running again so I took off for the foot bridge in the rain at a comfortable, recovery pace and that was the best part of my day. I love running in the rain! it reminded me of when Seniada, Rachel, I would go puddle jumping and jerk off during one of our easy run days during cross country. Haha Gene always got mad when we wouldn't run on our easy days. Those we good times. =) I miss it...

Well... that kind of sums up my short Saturday...I've got about 11% of battery left on my computer so I better wrap it up.

Run Fast,

Alex